Success Comes Without Funny T-Shirts

By Barry Mills


Ah, those glorious college years. You remember them vividly and with a hollow place inside your chest that should be filled with thoughts of scantily-clad drunk girls and irresponsible drinking. You have three things to show for your time spent in school: a college education, a beer gut, and a closet full of funny t-shirts. You may want to go out and use some of that college money to get some new, grown-up clothes. You can't keep wearing those funny t-shirts everywhere, my friend. There are, in fact, some places where funny t-shirts are a definite bad idea.

The best place to start your post-grad career moves is to, of course, take advantage of whatever career you learned about during your decade of schooling. You need to find a job that mirrors something close to what you learned about. Since there are no real careers in "underwater basket weaving" or "comic book history", you might want to go into some entry-level position that only requires a college degree. The one thing you cannot do is wear your funny t-shirts to your potential job interviews. Once you reveal your utter lack of responsibility and dedication, you're done for.

Once you've managed not to completely turn an employer off from what minimal skills you have to offer, it's time for you to make things right with the Big Guy upstairs. You did so many bad things in college, that it is impossible to count the sins. You would need a calculator that works a lot better than that old TI-85 you spilled beer all over. Once again, your funny t-shirts are not going to help you here. You're going to need to kiss some serious heavenly booty to make amends, and your current wardrobe isn't going to impress a Sunday School teacher, let alone a deity.

Women are never far from the mind of a young man in his twenties, and may even be more important to some people than a job or religion. Guess what, though? You're never going to get past an awkward "hello" if you aren't wearing something other than funny t-shirts to the bar. You are a post-grad now, and you have to really start acting like one if you want to get any attention in the very least bit from the female gender. Women mature something like 400x faster than men, so you have to at least pretend to be an adult with responsible tendencies if you want them to take you seriously.

I'm not sure if you've been paying attention, but I just told you that you wouldn't get a job, find religion, or get a girlfriend if you don't stop wearing funny t-shirts everywhere you go. If that isn't motivation to go out and buy some clothes that don't have curse words, references to beer, or semi-nude women on them...well, I don't know what is. You could always just sit on your couch, play video games, and hope your parents will let you move back in. Funny t-shirts may be hard to give up, but some people just never learn how to live in a post-graduate world.




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